We decided I would quit my job to stay home with the girls and my inner domestic diva and perfect mother persona would finally show herself – ha!  It was January 2001 and much like it has been the past few weeks, the weather was dreary and cold and I began thinking, ‘what have I done’??  I had a flexible, work from home job that allowed me to hear cool, new music from music labels like Virgin, EMI, Capital, Capital Nashville, earn an income and more importantly have someone cleaning my house.  I now have my most meaningful conversation of the day with the check out clerk at Ukrop’s or the random customer service phone person, I’m clipping coupons (did I mention I’m not earning an income?) and yes, cleaning the house.  Then there were the days when the baby didn’t sleep and we were exhausted or maybe going through a growth spurt and slept all day and we could hunker down and stay in our sweats all day watching soap operas – some days this was happy day, some days I wanted to slit my wrists it was so depressing.  There were days when she began cooing and smiling and I would think, ‘how could I not be here all day for this – I’m so blessed to be home with her’.

Later that spring, my sister-in-law and I signed up for an evening Photography 101 class at the community college.  We both loved taking photographs and it was a great creative outlet, something we could do together – fun!  After doing the assignments and really getting to know my camera I was hooked!!  At this point I could surf the computer enough to find an online photography class – more creative, not as technical as 101 class.  Oh my gosh, I knew if I ever worked again it had to be with a camera some how.  I started saving money for a new camera and was photographing everything in sight.  Trees, bugs, neighbors, you name it – it was my crack cocaine!

Cut to the chase.  I started working for a photographer part-time while McKenna was at pre-school a few mornings a week.  While still photographing everything and everyone around me a friend called and asked what I would charge to photograph her friends daughters – she needs an updated portrait.  Instant sweat.  ‘What, pay me’?  I had died and gone to heaven.  Little did I know a year later I was practicing photographic welfare – you know, where you pay me less than the time and costs incurred to produce your portraits.  I didn’t care – this was what I was meant to do.

That was eight years ago.  I doubt a week goes by that there isn’t some sort of mom guilt going on about something.  We all have it in some shape, form.  I am so so blessed to have a small business that allows me to be filled creatively and still schedule around sports, school fun and social calendars.  I have missed plenty of soccer games and events for work, but hopefully my girls will remember the quality time we did spend together and not the random appointments I had to make a priority.  In the end what is our goal?  Raise happy, well rounded, solid human beings.

Last weekend a good friend and very smart lady said ‘we need working moms and we need stay at home moms’.  How right is she?!  What if all women stayed home?  What if all women worked?  Things would fall apart, huh?

These are wrapped canvas portraits in their rooms hanging over their beds 24×24 – I love tucking them in at night and seeing their sweet little girl faces and the songs that I sang to them – it warms my heart…

Friendly Fire

I went back to work full time when Abby was 10 weeks old, so I KNOW the inner turmoil of wanting / needing to go back to work and the guilt associated with all of it.  On top of that our daycare experience was not Maria on the mountain top singing or rocking and humming “Edelweiss” to my precious miracle all day.  The daycare we wanted was full and we had to go to plan B for 3-4 weeks until there was room at the inn.  I would drop off, cry the entire 5 mile drive to work, go visit at lunch and cry the 5 miles back.  Finally I had to retreat to my world of denial (it’s a great place to be if you have one – all men seem to have it, you should definitely look for it if you don’t have it).  Eric started doing drop off in the morning, I would get in to work extra early so I could leave at 5:00 (more guilt, work – that’s another story).  During the day I would envision my little bundle being rocked all day by Maria and her day filled with rainbows and unicorns.  Dumb I know, but it got me to 5:00 and I was so happy when I saw her face.

When Abby was 4 years old and we decided I would stay home with McKenna, Eric fessed up that he had gone by the yucky, first day care at lunch one day only to find the teacher rocking Abby ASLEEP (not to sleep, A-Sleep) – not Abby, the teacher.  UGH!  My instinct of her life being in danger was right.  This was all part of his ploy to get me to stay home with McKenna.  I had a new job as a sales rep for EMI music that I loved, but the evil daycare experience gave me flashbacks I couldn’t put in my little ‘denial’ compartment.  We could afford it, hubby really wanted me to, shouldn’t I really want to also?

The baby announcement (McKenna 6 wks, Abby 4yo)

A few of my favorites….

It’s so fun to hang out with the big kids.  I love the babies, but it’s nice to play with friends who can talk and listen!

…you may say ‘duh’, but it made me think for a minute!

“If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got.”

W.L. Bateman